Couples Therapy in an Abusive Relationship Doesn't Work

 Let's talk. Therapy. First of all, I am in NO way trying to give advice here. I am not an expert, just someone who believes in therapy and has also come to understand recently where sometimes therapy can be harmful in a toxic/abusive relationship. But don't get me wrong. I love me a good therapist! I have one, my kids have their own. Overall, 10 out of 10 would recommend. However, hindsight is 20/20. So I want to share with you all my experience with therapists pre and post divorce, and unpack with you all why in an abusive relationship it just doesn't work.

My ex husband and I went through 4 therapists together. We did premarital counseling (which convinced me that we were starting on a rock-solid foundation), and then went through 3 different marriage counselors. Through out this time, I on and off went to individual therapy, and also put my son into therapy starting at age 4. (My daughter was a baby at this point... so she only needed therapy post divorce as she continues to process her relationship with her Dad.)

So our wedding was called off. Here I was as a 25 year old with a wedding venue, a photographer and no wedding in my future. This little known fact that kicked off my decade of marriage remained a secret even then. After all, I was still engaged, and not very many people outside of my immediate family even knew the date that we selected. 

Then we broke off the engagement, and I started dating again. And it was so hard. He was going to group therapy, and once or twice he invited me to come in to his therapy session. A session that never addressed my pain and hurt. So I started my own individual counseling, and when we got back together, and he re-proposed, I confidently thought that because we had weathered such a difficult storm before we said "I Do," we would be able to handle whatever came our way.

Until we weren't. One kid into our relationship and I asked my bishop for a referral to counseling. He sent us to marriage counseling. I remember discussing the hurt and the anguish I was experiencing in this relationship, and the counselor reiterating the idea that his goal was repair. When the abuse escalated to physical abuse and it was disclosed to the therapist at a couples counseling session, he told both of us that his job was not work on me, or my husband, but work on the spot in the middle of us, to close the gap. Despite my disclosure of domestic violence, the counselor then told the bishop that he could see how we both had equally contributed to our marital problems. 

The 2nd marriage therapist didn't tackle the disclosed abuse very well either. This therapist freely admitted that he wouldn't have believed the things I was disclosing (we still weren't calling it abuse), except for the fact that he would look at my husband who would confirm what I was sharing. (The fact that my ex was even honest about it I have come to find out is VERY rare.) The therapist recommended that my ex see a psychiatrist for med- management and get into some anger management classes. All of which he left up to him to find and start himself which he never did.

I saw this same marriage therapist a few times individually after he shared that he could do no more for us until my ex got the help he needed. At this point I was told that I needed to get to place where I was okay getting my emotional needs met outside the marital relationship I was in, because my husband probably wasn't capable of real emotional connection with anyone.

Our daughter was born, and to help my son with the transition, as well as help him with anxiety that had become more prevalent, at the advice of my sisters, started children's therapy that his Dad took him to while I was at work. My hope was it would help both my son and his Dad with their relationship, and help my husband parent a little bit better. Things did improve a little bit.

A little while after that I went to a new bishop in a new ward and just asked for help, because I was drowning. I disclosed what had been going on for years behind closed doors. He cried with me, and then suggested therapy. I went alone. The therapist was wonderful, and shared that she would see me and my husband together, but it wouldn't be therapy, it would be more like education. She also said that she would like to see us each individually as well. We started with her, and after working with us in a combination of couples and individual therapy session told me in a private session very pragmatically, but also with kindness, that I was on a runaway trolley car and I needed to decide when and where would be the safest time to jump.

At this same time, I started attending my son's therapy sessions even though he had been going with his Dad for about a year. A few times I disclosed some things that must have given her pause, because at one point she asked if I would like to call DCFS on my spouse, (I did NOT want to do that, and she said the circumstances seem to her to be okay not to), but after that, every visit she would ask questions about my son's and my safety. It was in one of these sessions that she suggested I pack a to-go bag in my car for the kids and I in case we had to leave the house in a hurry. I reflected back on the last few years of my marriage where I had wanted to immediately leave after a blow up, but wasn't prepared, so I told the therapist it seemed like a good idea.

I went home and packed that bag that night. I had toiletries and changes of clothes and jammies for everyone. I even packed dog food and a leash for my puppy, so she could come to. I hated that bag, but loved the security and feeling of control it brought me too. I don't remember any of these therapists calling his actions abuse, or telling me I was in an abusive relationship, but I am not sure it would have sunk in even if they had. 

My husband during this time had his own therapist, one that he stopped seeing as soon as the march towards divorce became a sure thing. And that is the other problem. Because it is so common that seeking professional help is pejorative. Only for show. Only to keep the other partner satisfied enough to stick around a bit more. To keep up the façade, and to keep the victim with them.

I had a network, a full time job, and resources. I got out. I realize I was lucky. But it was years of quiet building to that point. Maybe I needed to go through a litany of marriage therapists so that I knew I had done everything I could to "save" my marriage.  But even though my experiences led to a safe and healthy outcome, not one of the therapists that I saw over the years ever sat down with me and had an honest conversation about the domestic violence situation I was in. Not one of them from the onset was advocating for me. And at every twist and turn, they all had the opportunity to see my ex husband put on his best parent face, and his best husband face. None of them intervened. None of them spoke up for me. 

Why didn't the marriage therapist explain to me why I was on a run away trolley car? Why didn't the first therapist immediately intervene at the disclosure of physical violence? Why didn't my son's therapist say the word ABUSE? 

So I share this for those who cannot out. For those of you that don't know what it is called, but it is pervasive and you feel tired all the time, and you spend your energy managing or trying to manage your partner's emotions. Trying to prevent another blowup, trying to shield your children and make up for the love and affection they don't get from the other parent. 

You try marriage therapy, and counseling with your bishop, and talking to your parents, but perhaps like me, it might not be named for you. It might be years of unpacking the trauma to really grapple naming all of it. Because sometimes there is a goodness to the person that did this, and that is hard to reconcile too. So, it might take you a while to really grapple with naming all of it, but I hope that if you have read this far, you have come to know, that therapy doesn't "fix" it. And "it" is called ABUSE.