The Part Where I Talk About Why I Went Public About My Abusive Marriage

 It has been a month and a half since I "outed" myself as a domestic abuse survivor. (To reread that post click here.) At that time I finally wrote (admitted) that maybe just maybe the reasons behind my divorce were a little bit bigger than anyone quite realized... And I have been blown away by the response from those in my community (both the social media one, and the one that physically surrounds me daily). And what I have learned is that the world isn't as scary as I imagined it would be with that information. 

For the last few years I saw myself as someone who gingerly peeked over my own little private fence and occasionally talked to people that passed by that I deemed "trustworthy" about my marriage. (In very hushed tones of course.) I would discreetly talk about some of the things that led to my divorce, always under the strictest of confidences, but it was always vague, always giving the other party involved the benefit of the doubt, and for me, always leaving me feeling like the world didn't really understand or know me.

I remember one hushed conversation where I thought I had divulged quite more than I often do about my marriage, only for the person I was talking to to ask me, "So if your ex gets his stuff sorted out would you get back with them?" The question stunned me. I wished I had a photo of the incredulous look on my face. Clearly, I was doing a really good job at making sure I didn't share anything disparaging about my ex husband, but I had done it at the expense of ignoring and glossing over my own story.

This was just one example of many of feeling like no one understood me. A litany of times where I felt like I was opening up about a really raw very hard time in my life, only to feel like no one "got it" and no one understood. And so I again retreated behind my little private fence. Living my life, and not venturing out too far from the security of my own hurts, trauma, and activities. It felt safer to not say anything about my marriage. Besides, I believed in a Jesus that taught forgiveness, and I was already divorced, so I figured that I needed to move on. It was hard and lonely to do, and I still had this pestering pain and ache in my chest of no one knowing my story, but at least the pain existed secretly. If nothing else, I at least LOOKED like I was holding it together.

But I DID voice my hurts and I DID put my story out there, and though it wasn't the most popular blog post that I have written, and though it was one of the scariest things I have ever done, writing that post  was by far the most liberating thing I have done for myself. Because I didn't have to hide anymore. I didn't have to make up excuses about why I have full custody of my kids. I didn't have to talk about the years in therapy, or try to help people understand how someone they know and love could do really terrible things to the people they are supposed to love the most.

And I think that is the healing miracle that has come out of all of this. That I don't have to help people understand. I don't have to convince other people of what me and my kids went through. I don't have to share a very complicated history of how we got there, or the trauma that my kids are still trying to process with their individual therapists.

I don't have to, because it is out there for the world to read. And they can do with it what they want. They can choose to downplay, disbelieve, or ignore the posts that took me 4 years to share, but the point is that IT IS OUT THERE. It is no longer a secret, it no longer is the elephant in the room, and now I have given myself permission to talk about it - to make it less taboo. 

The burden of proof does NOT lie with you. But you can talk about it. There are safe places to talk about it. And talking about it, naming it, healing from the trauma of it does NOT mean that you are less kind, less forgiving, or some how less "broken." That is why I was initially nudged to start this blog. I lived through abuse, my kids lived through abuse, and for those of you that are reading who have lived through it, you don't need to prove it. You just need to name it. And then the real healing can begin. 

 And that, I think, is the mess and the miracle. Because something that was dark and pernicious is now in the light...and things heal and grow in light. The mess is out there for everyone to see, but the miracle is that now we can talk about it.

Love,

Maddie