A Little of My Divorce Story

 

Standing in my kitchen two years ago making rolls for my young family during General Conference weekend I knew that if anyone needed a miracle it was me. Jesus Christ remained the only person who I thought could fix the mess that I found myself in. Home life was hard, my marriage was hard, and the peaceful family life that I had experienced growing up in my youth seemed at times a far distant cry from the regular interactions that existed in my little family.

As I moved between watching General Conference in the living room to listening to it from the kitchen, my mind drifted to the current state of affairs in my family. My husband and I were on our third marriage counselor in four years, and between just having moved in after remodeling our home top to bottom, to the both of us working full-time, me going to school full time to finish my Master’s degree, and having a toddler and a 5-year-old to contend with on top of that, life seemed to be unraveling. Too much yelling and not enough calm. I felt only divine providence could change it.

As the Sunday Afternoon Session of General Conference came closer to a conclusion, I suggested that we finish listening to conference in the car as we drove up the canyon near our home to view the fall leaves as a way to find much needed calm from the chaos, we were swimming in.

The changing leaves looked gorgeous and the fresh canyon air felt incredible. As we settled into the drive, for the first time I was able to listen to the messages of conference without interruption. It was wonderful to be able to soak up every word from conference, but my heart still ached and my mind remained caught up in the situation I found myself in. With all the stress and the tension that surround us and our young family, I concluded that If anything were to change between my husband and I for the better, it would be nothing short of a miracle.

The drive continued and listened as the last speaker for the Sunday afternoon session was announced – President Russell M. Nelson. He had some very nice things to say about the messages shared during that conference, and then he turned his focus to the topic of temples. It seemed to me that the Conference Center quieted while those seated listened with anticipation it seemed for what would be inevitably some major announcements of new temples to be constructed around the world. Listening more carefully, I was equally riveted.

After talking a brief moment about the importance of temples, President Nelson’s talk shifted slightly and he began to explain the importance of regular temple attendance. After going on about that in length, I anxiously waited for him to announce locations of new temples throughout the world. However, before he got to that part, he said something that forever changed my life and that set my on a course to where I am now. He said:

“I promise you that the Lord will bring the miracles He knows you need as you make sacrifices to serve and worship in His temples”

(General Conference President Russell M. Nelson “Becoming Exemplary Latter-Day Saints” 2018).

He had just given me the formula for how to get a miracle. Miracles that I needed. All I needed to do was to ramp up my temple attendance. That was it. I had to catch my breath. I needed miracles. I needed a miracle to keep my family together, and I needed a miracle to heal my marriage. I knew that God knew I needed a miracle, and I also knew I was willing to sacrifice to serve in the temple so I could have my miracle. I felt a calm assurance in that if I sacrificed to attend the temple the miracle that I needed, that my family needed, that my marriage needed, that miracle, would be brought to pass.

So, that is what I did. Almost immediately. I sacrificed to begin attending the temple more regularly than I had before. And I mean I sacrificed HARD. Like wake up early most Saturday mornings after working the whole week, while simultaneously taking Master’s level college classes in the evening, and knowing that I wouldn’t be able to sleep in on Sunday because of church, where I am sometimes asked to play the organ, and on top of that I am in the Relief Society Presidency, kind of hard. I kept this feverish pace to attend the temple because of how strongly I clung to President Nelson’s prophetic promise. And I felt that with how tenuous my marriage seemed, I had everything to lose if I didn’t go to the temple and try the promise that the prophet uttered.

Week after week I applied this strategy of regular temple attendance. It would arm me to literally handle the contention in my home. With the ennobling strength of temple worship, my frequent attendance allowed me to access revelation and insight to process everything I was learning in marriage therapy. As I participated in the sacred rituals of the temple, I realized I was I called upon His power to help give my body strength and stamina that I needed to move through another week at work, to push through to finish up my Master’s Degree and have the energy I needed to take care of my children. And it was the clarity I received in the temple that quieted my mind and helped illuminate the next steps in my way forward even when I wasn’t sure what the outcome would be.

Whenever I felt like I was getting to a breaking point (or that I was indeed at my breaking point), I would retreat back to the Lord’s sacred house. I would go on my lunch breaks, I would go early Saturday morning when my house was quiet, I would go at night when all my exhausted body wanted to do was to sleep.

Noticing that going to the temple seemed to give me a little boost, there were times that I would frequent the temple two times a week. I needed the help from heaven to physically sustain me. It was in the walls of the Lord’s house that He would give me personal revelation a little bit at a time so that I knew what steps to take. It was in His holy temple that I envisioned Christ taking my hand and leading me into the dark and scary unknown toward an uncertain future.

But there was something that I didn’t count on when I clung to the promise that my temple attendance would result in God granting me the miracle, He knew I needed – sometimes the miracles you seek do not become the miracles that God provides. And sometimes especially when the miracle you are requesting is noble and righteous and good it can feel like a sucker punch in the gut from Heaven. And many times, if that something that doesn’t work out was something you prayed over and labored over for a long time…that you were told was good and right, then it feels as if God should have given you the red light to not move forward in the relationship instead of the green one.

That's it. That's the story for now. The story of how sometimes you have it all worked out in your mind how the miracle you pray for and hope for and even deserve should happen, but it doesn't. However one thing that I do know is that isn't an example of God walking away from you. I instead began seeing moments where the miracle didn't happen as God leaning in. Leaning in to grab my hand and say, "I have a bigger plan in this." And the fact that I can sit at this computer and type that as a lesson I learned from this experience? That my friend is what I call a miracle.

Love,

Maddie