Waiting and Wading Post Divorce
I admit I have on a few occasions
succumbed to the car selfie. But more often than not what usually is happening
in the car is that I am listening to songs by Calee Reed. She is a Christian artist, and because of how frequently I am listening to her stuff in the car, my son will more often than not ask why we are listening to "church music" when it isn't Sunday.
One of the songs that I constantly am circling back to is her song "The Waiting Place" on her album by the same name. (Look at that promotion flex! J/K she doesn't even know I exist).
The song talks about those phases in life where we are just waiting. Now more than globally we are feeling "the wait" as we collectively hold our breathe and hope this pandemic will pass.
As a single mom I feel like I am waiting for a lot of things. I am waiting for this "being the only adult in the room" thing to get easier. I am waiting for the sensation to pass that I am drowning. And sometimes (more often then not) I am waiting for the next shoe to drop. Because honestly, with what feels like the weight of the world on my shoulders, and being the one that is responsible for all the things, when one small issue crops up it seems sometimes that that one little problem will bring the whole world crashing down on me (and bring me down with it).
So here I am long after my kids have gone to bed, after completing some of my teaching duties like grading and lesson planning for tomorrow, I am writing this post. Why?
Because sometimes I get tired of waiting. Tired of waiting to feel like my life will turn a corner and this will get easier. Tired of treading water and hoping that tomorrow will be easier. Tired of being the sole caregiver with no one in my corner to give me a pep talk and help me get back into the ring. And really just so, so, very tired. ALL THE TIME.
Because sometimes I ask why I am tasked to have to do this alone. (And for the handful of people that read this, DON'T be saying it is because I am strong...because strength is not the qualifier for receiving difficult trials. Strength is the by-product of having to pass through them.)
And sometimes, just sometimes, I want to know that there are other people out there in a holding pattern that feel like they can barely keep their head above water. And yet my efforts at Googling examples of any of this don't often yield the story of the mess, but the story of the happily ever after.
That was the impetus for starting this blog. Waiting around, wishing that someone would just explain how to get through the difficult days of divorce. And then I realized that perhaps others were waiting for me - needing me to write it down because they were waiting for answers too.
And so the lyrics of the Calee Reed song run through my mind.
In my moments alone I ask, "why me?"
All the hospitals, doctors and tests
The endless uncertainty
Is a miracle too much to ask
When I've been faithful in the past?
How can I know what to do?
Lord, won't you show me direction?
Show me which path leads to hope
From this path that I'm on to self-destruction
Do my questions have answers?
Why has God hidden His face?
And why has He left me alone in my waiting place?
In his moments alone he asks, "why her?"
Why all the suffering and pain
When surely God has a cure?
Pleading each time he prays,
"Please stop testing my weakness this way."
As we beg for peace and trust in His love
We may not get the answers we want
But answers come pouring from heaven above
And He whispers –
You will know what to do
Just keep listening for direction
The path is yours to choose
Turn your heart where I beckon
Every question will be answered
So don't lose your faith
God is here waiting with you in your waiting place
You are never alone in your waiting place.
And it turns out I don't need to try to Google anything, because the lyrics of this song speak to my heart and tell me to keep going, keep trusting, and most importantly that I am not alone. Because "God is here waiting with you in your waiting place. You are never alone in your waiting place."
The fact that those words enter into my heart the minute I need to hear them is in and of itself a miracle. It is also the reason I will continue to listen to "church music" despite the protests of a 6 yr. old.
Love,
Madeline (but you can call me Maddie)
The Waiting Place by Calee Reed
One of the songs that I constantly am circling back to is her song "The Waiting Place" on her album by the same name. (Look at that promotion flex! J/K she doesn't even know I exist).
The song talks about those phases in life where we are just waiting. Now more than globally we are feeling "the wait" as we collectively hold our breathe and hope this pandemic will pass.
As a single mom I feel like I am waiting for a lot of things. I am waiting for this "being the only adult in the room" thing to get easier. I am waiting for the sensation to pass that I am drowning. And sometimes (more often then not) I am waiting for the next shoe to drop. Because honestly, with what feels like the weight of the world on my shoulders, and being the one that is responsible for all the things, when one small issue crops up it seems sometimes that that one little problem will bring the whole world crashing down on me (and bring me down with it).
So here I am long after my kids have gone to bed, after completing some of my teaching duties like grading and lesson planning for tomorrow, I am writing this post. Why?
Because sometimes I get tired of waiting. Tired of waiting to feel like my life will turn a corner and this will get easier. Tired of treading water and hoping that tomorrow will be easier. Tired of being the sole caregiver with no one in my corner to give me a pep talk and help me get back into the ring. And really just so, so, very tired. ALL THE TIME.
Because sometimes I ask why I am tasked to have to do this alone. (And for the handful of people that read this, DON'T be saying it is because I am strong...because strength is not the qualifier for receiving difficult trials. Strength is the by-product of having to pass through them.)
And sometimes, just sometimes, I want to know that there are other people out there in a holding pattern that feel like they can barely keep their head above water. And yet my efforts at Googling examples of any of this don't often yield the story of the mess, but the story of the happily ever after.
That was the impetus for starting this blog. Waiting around, wishing that someone would just explain how to get through the difficult days of divorce. And then I realized that perhaps others were waiting for me - needing me to write it down because they were waiting for answers too.
And so the lyrics of the Calee Reed song run through my mind.
In my moments alone I ask, "why me?"
All the hospitals, doctors and tests
The endless uncertainty
Is a miracle too much to ask
When I've been faithful in the past?
How can I know what to do?
Lord, won't you show me direction?
Show me which path leads to hope
From this path that I'm on to self-destruction
Do my questions have answers?
Why has God hidden His face?
And why has He left me alone in my waiting place?
In his moments alone he asks, "why her?"
Why all the suffering and pain
When surely God has a cure?
Pleading each time he prays,
"Please stop testing my weakness this way."
As we beg for peace and trust in His love
We may not get the answers we want
But answers come pouring from heaven above
And He whispers –
You will know what to do
Just keep listening for direction
The path is yours to choose
Turn your heart where I beckon
Every question will be answered
So don't lose your faith
God is here waiting with you in your waiting place
You are never alone in your waiting place.
And it turns out I don't need to try to Google anything, because the lyrics of this song speak to my heart and tell me to keep going, keep trusting, and most importantly that I am not alone. Because "God is here waiting with you in your waiting place. You are never alone in your waiting place."
The fact that those words enter into my heart the minute I need to hear them is in and of itself a miracle. It is also the reason I will continue to listen to "church music" despite the protests of a 6 yr. old.
Love,
Madeline (but you can call me Maddie)
The Waiting Place by Calee Reed
Comments
Post a Comment