Finding Fault


On the same day that my divorce was finalized I got in a car crash. Airbags deployed...car smashed up, ambulance called, a CT scan...the whole shebang. After it happened, and after paramedics assessed that I was okay, and tow trucks came, police were on hand to to figure out whose fault it was. They took witness statements, they took my statement and the other driver's statement and then they make a decision and issued (in this case) a citation to the other driver.

And while divorce doesn't come with citations issued (though sometime I wish it did!) the process feels very similar. Just like the crash, divorce results in total loss, (see my post about the carnage it creates) and after making sure everyone comes out (reasonably) okay the question quickly turns to whose fault it was.

Usually witnesses are called forward who will gladly corroborate the story you are spinning (everyone has an opinion in these circumstance) and they will find a million and one reasons why it happened, how it happened, and who is to blame for what happened.

I can't say that I fault them for doing that. I think we as humans are naturally curious. But I believe there is a deeper reason as to why people who on any other given day don't even care about you are suddenly profoundly interested in the dissolution of your marriage. They don't just want to know what happened, they need to know what happened... so that they can make sure that it doesn't happen to them.

The sudden interest in "warning signs" of marital distress? That is them mentally checking to see if there is anything to worry about in their relationship. The questions of if they were like this before we married? Just a quick once-over of any of their loved ones in case they need to protect them. How are you holding up? The casual inquirer wants to determine if they could weather that storm, and are counting themselves lucky that it wasn't happening to them.

To those few who read this, there have been countless times I have been sustained and helped through this and it has been the love of friends, neighbors and family that have made this last year manageable. There have been so many times when the miracles I needed came at the hands of others who reached out to me in one form or another. This is not a post bashing those individuals who provided a listening ear, and let me sob to them on the phone or on my couch at odd hours of the day and night. Instead it is a reflection of sorts, that when we try to point fingers at one party or the next it only serves to hide a deeper anxiety-ridden question within us - that if that could happen to them, how can I prevent this awful thing from happening to me?

And if you are the one going through the divorce, on thinking about divorce, or on this side of divorce, these finding fault questions become more challenging. Because you are the one going through it... and so often it turns inward and you find yourself asking what could I have done differently to prevent this?

Both questions put you on a slippery slope to nowhere... because at the heart of those questions is this: How can I make sure that I or someone I love never experiences this level of pain?

So what do we do instead? Instead of pointing a finger let's instead hold a hand. Instead of gossiping about what happened, let's lend a listening ear. And instead of passing judgement, let's pass on love. Because we all could receive more of that. Instead of fault finding, lets deepen our faith that things will improve, life will continue and we will thrive. Once we do that, we will truly see miracles.

Love,

Madeline
                                     
 




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