The Miracle of the Moment



Early on in my divorce journey, as I was slowly beginning to come to terms with the fact that perhaps my marriage wasn't going to last forever like I thought it would, I often confided in my friend and coworker. Having gone through a divorce a few years prior, she was a great resource and listening ear.

One day when talking to her I remarked that no one would go through the hardship of divorce unless the pain of staying married wasn't worse. She agreed and went on to detail the days and nights she sat in front of her own computer Googling things like "when does divorce stop sucking" and "why is this so hard" and "how do I get through this". 

Then she she said something that resonated me. "But then you will also have wonderful moments, great moments that could never have happened had you stayed in the situation you now find yourself in."

Tonight I wanted to write because I just came home from one of those moments...a moment where the universe smiled and I said a quiet thank you for the miracle that transpired...an experience that never would have happened in my previous situation. 

What was the moment that was so magical? It might sound really basic, but tonight my kids and I went to a high school football game.

Our team didn't win...we left early...but we went and had a wonderful time. From buying a few treats pregame, to seeing my students and introducing them to my kids, to cheering so loudly my throat hurt. The whole evening was euphoric.

I usually am really good a describing things, but I  don't think I can adequately explain why those things made for a fun but otherwise uneventful miracle evening. But my friend's words came vividly to my mind and they whispered this moment would not have happened if you hadn't stepped out into the darkness first.

I guess that is the mess in this post. The mess of the unknown is so much harder to venture into than the massive mess we might find ourselves in at present. However, after wading through that mess...despite how scary it has been at times, the miracle is this moment. The moment I had watching my children's faces when we scored a touchdown...the pure joy as I shared the intricacies of the sport with my 6 year old...the love of experiencing the anxiety and the rush of each snap of the football, each play, each pass, with my children... the sound of the pep band... even the walk to the car as the stadium lights flooded the field in our peripherals...these collective moments became for me a tangible reminder that while what I have lost was hard and scary and difficult to bear, what I have gained - this moment - this iridescent priceless moment - could not have happened had I not first ventured into the dark. And for the sheer fact that I was able to take that initial step into the unknown and begin the long walk I have traveled thus far that brought me up to this point in time, this moment of untainted bliss, for that I am grateful.

Gratitude for how far we've come...gratitude for the amount of time that I get to spend with my kids, gratitude that these moments aren't punctuated by yelling but by laughter, gratitude that as I go to sleep tonight I do so knowing that today was a good day, and gratitude that while I can't adequately express why this moment would not have happened in my former situation, I don't have to, because I just lived it.

If that isn't a miracle, I don't know what is.

With Love,

Madeline 



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