Call it Madness... Here is My Mess

Call it madness, call it a moment of introspection, call it a whim, and blame the fact that I am a Millennial, but I took pictures of my MESS today and I am going to post them here.

You see, today is the day that my kids are with their Dad. You would think that would give me time to get some things done, but an after school meeting left me getting home late. Add to the fact that I have a terrible sinus infection, (see previous post) so when I got home, all plans to go to the gym left my aching body, and foggy head feeling overwhelmed. Instead of doing all the things on my to-do list when I came home, I took a much needed nap. (I of course set my alarm... because I still haven't quite figured out how to completely practice self-care.)

After waking up, I snapped back into productivity... but my crazy schedule, and the fact that I am still not performing at my peak even when I am medicated, meant that what I accomplished didn't quite seem to make a dent in the Herculean to-do list I felt was in front of me. With these negative unproductive thoughts going through my head, I continued to push forward... until I didn't. And then I began saying to myself, "I am enough."

I repeated this over and over again to myself as a way to push my own thoughts about not getting things done, and not being in a place in my life where everything seems put together, out of my mind. (But who's life is really all together anyway?) I came inside after letting my dog out and stood in my kitchen. I was still trying to force myself to believe what I had been repeating... "I am enough... I am enough." This was not an easy thing to believe about yourself while surveying the mess that surround me. The kitchen is the center of a home, so it usually is the one that gets messy sooner, and stays messy longer, despite the constant battle to stay on top of the cleaning.

I don't know what compelled me to do it, but in that moment of viewing the chaos before me, and while still trying to repeat the phrase "I am enough," I grabbed my phone and took a picture of what I saw.

And then the miracle. After snapping that photo I began to think about what that mess really meant.

I saw the orchid at the center of the counter that despite shedding its blooms was still alive eager to flower again because of my loving attention. I saw the dirty glass baking dishes by the stove that spoke to the fact that despite my busy schedule, I still bake and cook for my kids. I noticed the dish rack on the counter. Proof that I took the time to hand wash a few dishes because I didn't have enough dishes to load in the dishwasher but still wanted clean counters. I saw my son's black lunchbox. It tells the story of a Mom that spent HOURS searching Amazon finding just the right one so that my son would be excited about going to all-day kindergarten, even though I knew that the real reason I had to switch him to a new program mid-year was because my marriage was falling apart. Its presence on my kitchen island told of a brand new school year and the fact that he knows he can choose to have home lunch or school lunch because his Mom provides food for him, and she has also found people who love him to help him pack his lunch in the morning if he chooses to take lunch from home, while she all the while drives to work, often before he even wakes up. In that photo I saw the box of tissues - evidence of the fact that this was all done during a time when all I wanted to do was to curl up in bed and sleep, but instead I got up and soldiered on despite how sick I felt. And now typing this, I see a glass jar in the photo. In it filled with a bunch of folded scraps of paper each with a fun activity my son and I came up with together and neatly wrote down so that now he can choose something to play with me or the babysitter instead of spending his time watching shows on the iPad.

Staring at the photo...that singular moment... was enough to change my perspective of what the mess really means. In that small amount of time I had changed from feeling deflated by my mess, to feeling empowered by what that mess said about who I am.

And so I took pictures of more of my messes.

So over the next couples of days (or weeks ...because life) I want to post the rest of these photos. Not because my house will still look that messy in a few weeks, because after all, messes do eventually get cleaned up, but because the mess serves as a time capsule of sorts. It helps me see what I spend my day doing. And if anything, taking those pictures today helped show me that what I spend my time doing IS ENOUGH.

With Love,

Madeline