Mediation

*Note from ME: In the state of Utah, after the divorce decree is filed with the court, all partnered individuals are required to settle their dispute in mediation. If they cannot come to an agreement in mediation, they then will go to court. Once all parties agree to the terms of the divorce whether the do so in mediation or after going to court, a judge signs the decree terminating the marriage.

A day that was REALLY hard. A day that cemented the severing process of this living breathing organism that is my marriage. This thing... that has become more than just a thing but an entity in and of itself, filled with all my hopes, dreams, desires, wishes, and love, was amputated on Wednesday. When you severe something you "cut" you "slice" and you "break off" what ever that thing was connected to. But when you are severing a relationship... a relationship that resulted in two gorgeous children, years of adventure, years of heartache, and years of growing and learning, and commitment, what exactly are you severing it from? The scriptures give us a clue to what is being cut when in the book of Genesis it says that God told Adam and Eve that a man should "cleave unto his wife" so that they can become "one flesh." (See Genesis 2:24). Too often we just think about that imagery in terms of sexual intimacy, but this process of divorce, this severing in that room this week felt like a piece of my flesh was cut from me.

Don't get me wrong. I have never known what it is like to actually lose a limb or even so much as a piece of my finger. But sitting at that conference room table, even with the assurance from family and God that this is what needed to happen, the whole process of drawing up the paper work and negotiating money, it felt like an amputation, like I was having something surgically removed. The only difference between that moment and a typical surgery for me, included the fact that I didn't have the luxury of anesthesia.  As lawyers determined where to prod and poke, and where on the body of our marriage (my body) to amputate, I had to be fully present and cognizant of every move. Like a good doctor, I had to participate in every incision and discuss every cut. But unlike real physicians who perform actual surgery, I was both dressed in scrubs with a scalpel and lying there on the table. Not only that, I had to discuss the bleeding out of this marriage in business like tones as we talked about how to split this living embodiment of both my husband and I. And as I sat in this metaphorical operating room, I had to agree that cutting off a piece of my flesh was exactly what needed to happen.

The operation continued on through the morning. And as I watched the living breathing organism that was our union, lying there on the table of severed body parts that initially looked like legal documents and papers to sign and assets to divvy up, but looked increasingly like shriveled bits of self and naked sad little members reminding you of what you were doing, I had to remember that this moment, would soon be a memory.

The operation in total lasted a few hours and then it was over. After trying to undo 8 years of being one flesh, when the last "t" was crossed, the final "i" was dotted, and the last signature put down on paper, finally me and my team of trained professionals surveyed the mess, stepped back, and called the operation a success. Yet unlike surgery, once I left that conference room, the bleeding didn't stop. 

Perhaps the pain and the blood loss that I have experienced going through this divorce process is the reason we often hear this counsel from the Bible: "What God has put together, let no man separate." (Matthew 19:6). Because maybe God knows the pain of watching something or someone that He loved very much suffer, bleed, and die. And maybe it isn't a marriage but perhaps that is why he provided a Savior. To ease our suffering just a little. Just maybe he didn't want that for His children. And maybe, just maybe God knew things on Earth were going to get messy for each of us so He allowed His willing son to be the sacrificial lamb. 

God knew that life would be hard, and painful, and that there would be days like mediation day was for me, and so he sent his Son that through His sacrifice all might be made right again. That was the only way and Jesus was the only one who could take those hard, painful, mediation days and through His atonement bind up my wounds and make the bleeding stop. And the fact the Jesus Christ can do that? That is the biggest miracle of them all.

Love,

Madeline