If You Had Told Me


If you had told me one year ago that the house that we sunk a whole lot of money into and called our "forever" house would soon only have one adult occupant, I wouldn't have believed you.

If you had told me that my 33rd birthday month would mark my first foray into single-parenthood I probably would have thought you were crazy.

If you told me that by my 8 year wedding anniversary I would find myself single, I would have blown you off.

And if you had told me that tonight would be the eve before I sit in a law office to formally end that 8 yrs. of marriage, I might have run you aground.

But here I am. Kind of, sort of, not really coping, but desperately needing to write about this, because as far as I have seen, there is no manual or suggested helps for how to process all the emotions that come from a year like the one I have, and a day like the one that I will start tomorrow.

I wish I could say that if you do x, y, and z, you will never come to an evening like the one that I am having tonight, but unfortunately, like all hard things, this one happened despite my best efforts to keep it at bay. One day I will learn that you can't control all of life's outcomes.

I wrote once, that it is like sand. The harder you try to clench it in your hands, the more you lose. In situations of divorce, no matter if the reason for leaving is "church sanctioned" or not, there are never any winners.

So I sit. wondering if someone will benefit. Hoping that someone will one day find my words and understand that the whole purpose for writing these things down (besides my overall need to process things by writing), comes from a protestant hymn we sing on Sunday that I actually find kind of boring musically but whose message really speaks to me. The hymn says, "Has anyone's burden been lightened today, because you were willing to share?"

That is the reason that I sit at my keyboard, sharing some of my vulnerabilities. And it is important to do this at this stage in the game, because too often I come across people's stories when they finally experience a resolution. Whether it is a before and after story, or a memoir, or some sort of self-help book, they all write about their experiences in hindsight (which is always 20/20). When you do that, things are a bit rosier. It is easy to find the "lessons" and see the "hand of God" when you are looking over the past. It is much much harder to see Miracles when you are in the middle of the Mess.

Love,

   Madeline





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