Mess and Miracles

Back in college with one of my roommates being from rural southern Utah, and another one dating a rodeo cowboy, we listened to a LOT of country music. It is a practice that I have since tried to avoid, but occasionally a song creeps back into my head from that era of my life. That is what happened to me today. The chorus of that song goes like this: "Cause tomorrow's another day, and I'm thirsty anyway, so bring on the rain." The whole premise of this country song is that life is really hard (we would call that messy here) and it does feel like the rain is beating down on you hard... but maybe you should just say "bring it on, I need it." Well, it isn't often that a country song from 14 years ago pops into my head so let me give you the back story...because that is the heart of this miracle. My house sits on almost a third of an acre. Now I really wanted a decent sized back yard when it was time to go house hunting, so I am not complaining about...

*Note from ME: In the state of Utah, after the divorce decree is filed with the court, all partnered individuals are required to settle their dispute in mediation. If they cannot come to an agreement in mediation, they then will go to court. Once all parties agree to the terms of the divorce whether the do so in mediation or after going to court, a judge signs the decree terminating the marriage. A day that was REALLY hard. A day that cemented the severing process of this living breathing organism that is my marriage. This thing... that has become more than just a thing but an entity in and of itself, filled with all my hopes, dreams, desires, wishes, and love, was amputated on Wednesday. When you severe something you "cut" you "slice" and you "break off" what ever that thing was connected to. But when you are severing a relationship... a relationship that resulted in two gorgeous children, years of adventure, years of heartache, and years of growing ...

If you had told me one year ago that the house that we sunk a whole lot of money into and called our "forever" house would soon only have one adult occupant, I wouldn't have believed you. If you had told me that my 33rd birthday month would mark my first foray into single-parenthood I probably would have thought you were crazy. If you told me that by my 8 year wedding anniversary I would find myself single, I would have blown you off. And if you had told me that tonight would be the eve before I sit in a law office to formally end that 8 yrs. of marriage, I might have run you aground. But here I am. Kind of, sort of, not really coping, but desperately needing to write about this, because as far as I have seen, there is no manual or suggested helps for how to process all the emotions that come from a year like the one I have, and a day like the one that I will start tomorrow. I wish I could say that if you do x, y, and z, you will never come to an evening like t...

I look at these photos I found. The photo on the left was a selfie I took 3-4 years ago. I remember that day. It was hard. My marriage was hard... and if you look closely, you can tell I had been crying. I remember sitting in the kitchen surrounded by dirty dishes on every inch of counter space, having just put my toddler down for a nap by myself, while my husband sat in the front room of our 900 sq. ft. house after an argument that left me knowing that I wasn't enough. I let that weight begin to sink me. It wasn't hard for those tears to start flowing as I felt the world on my shoulders, knowing that I would be solely responsible for washing those dishes, making dinner, and sorting through THE MESS. The photo on the right - A new kitchen, different hair, (better lighting), - present day. I am still solely responsible for the dishes on the counter, putting a toddler down for a nap, and getting dinner on the table. I still feel the weight of the world on my shoulders, and ...